One More Time

I’ve been blogging for years.  I’ve had a few blogs.  One in particular turned into a political free for all.  It was like I just couldn’t post an article, or quote or opinion that wouldn’t be challenged, often fiercely and often with supreme cruelty.  But then again I also had blogging friends who were great writers and whose opinions I appreciated even if I didn’t agree with them.  Seems most people have gone the Facebook and Instagram route now.  Or Tumblr. Which I totally over my head.  I’m sure there are even newer platforms but I’m just to exhausted to figure them out.

I noticed just now that I started this blog 11 years ago.  My previous blog was started in the early 2000s.   It had a following.  Which surprised me.  And frightened me because I felt obligated in some way to post on a regular basis.  Post for others.  But not necessarily for myself.  I felt I had to be profound, witty and intellectually challenging all the time.

The genesis of this blog was that in 2006 I moved from Brooklyn to the Mid-Hudson Valley in New York.  Not at all the “North Country.”  But my one of my very, very favorite songs has always been Bob Dylan’s “Girl from the North Country.”  So, yes compared to Brooklyn, I am living in the “North.”  And I’m a girl.

My life was not good after my move.  Within months of my move, I was diagnosed with breast cancer.  Maybe more on that later, maybe not.  My father died in 2009 of Alzheimer’s.  I fell into a very deep depression that really fucked up my work (at the time I was self-employed).  I found solace in drinking.  Drinking a lot.  I joined AA.  I found out that AA (for all it’s good intents) is not for me.  I accept 100% percent Steps 1, 2 and 3.  I don’t accept the high-school popularity contests that seem pervasive in those rooms.  They are not safe for people like me.  Not safe emotionally.  There is a “you’re either with us or you are against us” mentality there.  Or at least that is how it felt.  The women were highly cliquish.

But my drinking days are mostly over now.  I did a lot of damage.  All of it to myself.  I hurt no one else.  Because I had no one else who really cared or was paying attention.  More on that later too.  I stopped working for myself in 2015.  I got a job.  Then that job ended 18 months later.  Then I got another job.  But it was not what I was promised and I left.  Then I got another job and THAT was not what I was promised and ended up leaving there as well.  I have a nice job now.  Challenging.  Not the friendliest place.  But I see it may work for me in the longer term.  But then again.  Maybe not.

So ok.  I’m gonna write.  I’m gonna get it out.  I’m gonna blog not to entertain but to get it out.